This post was originally published on Medium on April 3rd – it was written 2.5 months after having Jonah. I decided it should live here on Letters to Jonah, too. So here it is <3 I’ve noticed some things since losing my first baby, Jonah, about grieving in our culture. I’m sure it varies across families, religions and ideologies, but…
You’ve probably played Chutes and Ladders at some point in your life, but if you’ve been through tough grief, you’ve lived it. I remember playing it when I was a kid. You’d be bopping along hitting ladders, but sometimes, you’d hit a chute. The chutes might take you back just a couple spots, a whole line on the game board,…
Grief changes you in a lot of ways. It can change your entire personality – not necessarily for the worse, but definitely different. You might become more cynical, more snarky, quieter, more introspective, more or less forgiving, more empathetic…there are so many ways you can be different. You struggle to know yourself after such a monumental loss, and it really takes…
I’ve been a book nerd for my entire life. I was the kind of kid who won class contests in middle school for reading the most pages, and I tried to be a Meteorologist in college, but couldn’t resist the pull of being an English major. Now, I run my book blog, Literary Quicksand. After Jonah, though, my reading habits…
It’s practically unbearable. The commercials, the social media posts, the signs…it’s everywhere. It’s a dark cloud, enveloping me in grief. The woman who made me a daughter is not here, nor is the son who made me a mother. I feel them with me and carry them in my heart, but they’re not physically here, and I miss them both…
After writing prolifically here on my blog several times a week since just a couple weeks after losing my son, it has been quiet (too quiet) for an entire week. Did anyone notice the tumbleweeds roll by? I posted a couple of things on Instagram, but have been otherwise MIA. The reason: this was one of the hardest weeks I’ve…
My mom, Kelly Doornink, is an amazing human who raised me with grace and love, and who just happens to be no longer of this Earth. She died in her sleep on November 12, 2014, at the age of 54 from complications from Type 1 Diabetes. Her blood sugar dipped too low for her body to keep going, and the most…
Tomorrow, on April 22nd, it will be three months since I delivered my precious Jonah into this world, asleep. Although the rawness of that day recedes, it doesn’t become any less traumatic, difficult, grief-stricken, and amazing. Yes, amazing. I am amazed at my body’s capability to push out a small human. I am amazed at the kindnesses I experienced in…
Today was my first holiday without Jonah. Technically there was Valentine’s Day, but I barely celebrate that anyway and was still so deep in the pit of grief, I don’t even really remember it happening. So, I’m counting today as my first. As we were getting ready to drive to my brother’s house for lunch, I couldn’t help but think…
Yesterday and today, I am stuck in the what-ifs. You see, I was on Facebook in one of my support groups, and I found another complete heart block mom. We are super rare, so it’s crazy that I found someone else going through the same difficulties that I did. She found out her little girl had complete heart block and…
