The emotions in my heart as I write this are complicated. There are so many seasons to life, and within that, there are so many seasons to grief.
I once heard grief described as a ball bouncing around in a box. There’s a button in the middle of one of the sides of the box. In the beginning, when a grief-causing event has just occured, your ball is huge and is basically on the pain button 24/7. As time (and life) goes on, your ball shrinks. It bounces around the box a little more freely, but still hits that pain button once in a while. According to the tweet that went viral about this ball theory,
“Over time, the ball gets smaller. It hits the button less and less but when it does, it hurts just as much. It’s better because you can function day to day more easily. But the downside is that the ball randomly hits that button when you least expect it. For most people, the ball never really goes away. It might hit less and less and you have more time to recover between hits, unlike when the ball was still giant.”
Well said, viral Tweeter.
2+ years and a beautiful rainbow baby past the loss of my Jonah, my ball is on the smaller side.
What does all this have to do with this blog, exactly? Well, Letters to Jonah has A LOT of raw grief on it from when my ball was huge. A lot. And I fully intend to keep it that way! I’ve gotten comments from other loss mamas who’ve found my early loss writing to be helpful in putting words to their own deep and incomprehensible emotions. Although I avoid going back and reading it myself because it hurts so freaking bad to do so, I will definitely never get rid of that content.
However, although my ball is smaller, I still feel the need to write. To blog here, on my blog. It’s just that my subject matter isn’t going to be all Jonah, all the time, any longer.
It honestly hurts to write that, because there’s a big ol’ magnet in the middle of my pain button that pulls the ball (I guess it must be a magnetic ball) right toward it, and that magnet is Jonah being forgotten. I am who I am because of the people and the events in my life that have shaped me, and Jonah is a HUGE Joli shaper. He made the “now” me…me. 2019 Joli is Jonah’s mom.
But, she’s also Halley’s mom. And Colin’s wife. And Freya’s dog mom. And a woman who loves to read and write and do lots of things.
What I’m saying is, it’s time to rebrand this blog. It will always have Jonah all over it, because I have Jonah all over me. I will always write from the perspective of a loss mom. That’s my identity. But it’s not going to be all letters to my Jonah any longer.
Jonah is still going to be my namesake, though! As my blogging will probably be primarily about motherhood, I’ve decided to call it…..
Jonah and Co.
While this is an exciting change for me, if you might be a fellow loss mom that’s triggered by talk of rainbow momming, please know that unfollowing me is incredibly valid and is what you need to do to protect your heart.
If you’re sticking with me, thank you and I love you and here’s to having my little slice of the web again to unleash my thoughts and feelings on <3