Wow, a whole year! Today you are one, my love <3
Today, I’ve been thinking a lot about the day you were born, and how you were born. It’s hard to not think about it, considering that’s what your birthday means to me! I really didn’t have an easy time pushing you out, you know. It was only afterward that I heard it can be harder to deliver a baby who is not alive, since a live baby wriggles and helps a bit. I guess I’m glad I didn’t know that at the time!
However difficult it was to get you out, that didn’t matter anymore once you were in my arms. You were wrapped up in such a cute, teal-colored blanket and hat. I touched my finger to your cheek to feel how soft and smooth it was, and I checked your ears because I knew you’d have daddy’s.
I had to hand you off to daddy for a while so that I could get all fixed up by the doctor, and seeing you held in daddy’s arms was the most precious sight. That’s not a moment mommy will ever forget.
I was more tired than I’ve ever been in my life that night, but we stayed up to have the most beautiful naming ceremony for you and hold you. When we finally settled in for the night, you were set right there, next to my bed, so I could be near you.
Jonah, I’ll never forget the moment you finally came out. I felt such a great sense of relief: relief that delivery was over, relief that you were in Heaven and not feeling any pain, and relief that daddy and I could move into the next part of your story. We had been so stressed out and anxious for months, watching you get worse but keep fighting. We fought right along with you, we advocated for you and for ourselves, and we tried to prepare ourselves for multiple different outcomes. We were so tired, and so anxious to know what the next part of your story would be. Passing in my womb wasn’t the story we hoped for, but it was a story we’d have to go with, nonetheless, and we moved from stress and anxiety to grief.
We were so afraid that we were going to make the wrong decisions for you. Should you be put on ECMO? Should you be resuscitated if born alive? What sorts of measures did we want the team of doctors to take to keep you alive? How would we know when to stop prolonging your pain? These were all questions we had to think about, but you made that decision for us, sweet boy. You had to leave, and that’s okay. We’re so glad you didn’t have to be in pain.
Today, daddy and I celebrate you. We love you, and we’re so glad you could be with us, even if it was for a short 30 weeks.
Happy Birthday, Jonah boy!