It’s 9:30 am on my last Tuesday off of work. I’m sitting here on my couch, drinking coffee, my puppy spread out next to me, enjoying this last unstructured Tuesday morning.
I’ve been working 30 hour weeks with Tuesdays off and shorter Fridays for a while, using Tuesdays as my Jonah and grief day. I do whatever I feel like I need to do that day, whether it’s writing here on my blog, reading in my backyard in my pop-up tent, running errands and keeping busy, or lately, hanging out with my puppy. Tuesday afternoons are also when I have my therapy appointment, so I get to chat about Jonah and how I’m doing.
At first, this day off was absolutely essential, and I’m so, so glad my employer was able to make it work for me. I needed that day to be with my feelings and listen to my thoughts. In recent weeks, though, I’ve found that this day off feels a little more like a reminder I don’t necessarily need any longer.
I carry Jonah with me always and think about him often, but my grief is no longer so raw that I need a special day off of work every day to work on it.
This is such a bittersweet moment. Instead of needing time to sit with my grief, I’m ready to welcome structure back into my Tuesdays. That part makes me feel good. Not needing these days for my grief, though, means I’m getting farther away from my intense Jonah feelings, which makes me sad. I know I’m not letting him go or “getting over it,” but I’m just moving into the next stage of grief. Framing it like that helps, but I still can’t help but feel those feelings of guilt for not needing that extra day to sit with my grief and Jonah.
Nonetheless, here I go, launching into more structure. It’s bittersweet, but mostly I’m just looking forward to having a more “normal” schedule. This is where I am in my grief, and for the most part, it’s a welcome next step.