I found out I was pregnant with Jonah in the last couple days of July, 2016. That means we’re entering Jonah season. At this time last year, I was battling daily nausea, unable to eat much besides buttered noodles, corn chips, rice, and cottage cheese. I was in the “holy crap I can’t believe I’m pregnant and this is happening” phase, and it was crazy but so exciting. I was counting down the days until the “safe point” when I would tell my family and friends and trying not to puke in front of them and give it away.
We’re going to the Minnesota State Fair on September 2nd this year, and I remember not knowing last year if I’d feel well enough to make it through the day, eating greasy food and not sitting down much. I was also dreaming about this year’s fair, when I’d be strapping a baby to my chest to navigate the crowds. Of course, as the fair comes up this year, that’s what I’m thinking about…there’s no 5-month-old baby to strap to my chest, like there should be.
I have a feeling that there are going to be a lot of those types of moments coming up. I found out in the middle of October that Jonah was sick, so the rest of my pregnancy was marked by doctor appointments, hoping, praying, and trying so hard not to let myself have dreams about the future. So, my Halloween, my Thanksgiving, and my Christmas were consumed by being ridiculously preoccupied while attempting to be present at holiday celebrations.
As those holidays approach, I’m feeling a lot like this year, it’s going to be difficult to get through all of that. Not only do I not have my baby to hold, but I’m also not pregnant again yet, as I was hoping maybe I would be.
I have a feeling I’m going to learn a lot about taking care of myself this holiday season. Maybe that will mean doing less, travelling less, and just being with Colin and our new puppy, Freya, more. As someone who loves getting together with family, though, it’s hard to make that choice. It’s only August, though – we’ll see what happens when those dates approach.
All I know is, the fair coming up makes it feel like Jonah season. Reminiscing about my pregnancy is going to happen a lot more often, now that I’m going through these “one year ago today” dates. Plus, November is the month when my mom passed suddenly in 2014.
Luckily, I absolutely love the fall season! It’s time to get cozy, drink hot beverages, and go on adventures to see the changing fall leaves. I’m going to try really hard to still love it, despite Jonah season making me feel so split – so happy to have experienced carrying him, but so sad that he’s not here.
That’s grief – sadness because of deep, deep love <3