Sometimes, I wonder why I’m writing on this blog about Jonah and life after loss. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just keep all of my deepest, most private of thoughts and feelings to myself, my husband and my therapist?
The answer, of course, is yes. It would be much easier. I would still write, but it would be in a journal, not in public.
Yet, I choose to write and post it online for all to see. My family reads it, my friends read it, strangers read it. Yes, that scares the bejeezus out of me, but it also just feels…right.
I write because I feel like my words are helping you get to know Jonah, even though he’s not here. I write to give him a space to be, other than in my heart. I write to talk to him.
I write because it’s a way of mothering Jonah. I’m holding him here, in my words. I’m spending time with him. I’m loving him.
I write because it’s comforting. It might not be comforting at the very moment the words are pouring out of me, but it sure feels good afterward to have them out in the universe instead of stuck in my brain.
I write because I like it. I like to write, and had other blogs before this one, but none that were this consistent. They always fizzled out because I wasn’t committed to what I was writing. It was fun, sure, but I was honing my skills and wasn’t writing about important things. At least, they sure don’t feel important now that Jonah is here.
I write because I’m sad. And angry. And anxious. And joyful. And content. Sometimes, all at once. Writing always helps me sort out my emotions a little. I snuggle up to them, I get to know them. I feel them.
I write to comfort others. I find so much comfort, inspiration and support in the words of other moms who are living after loss, and choose to write about it. Without finding their deep sadness written on the internet, I don’t know how I would have made it through those first couple of months, especially, when I was aching to find others to talk to who understood. This is something you can’t understand unless you’ve been through it.
I write to tell other moms that they’re not alone. I’m here.