Good morning, world. Today, March 29th, 2017, was Jonah’s due date. This was the day we were hoping to have our son in our arms by. When we were initially given our due date, I remember Colin being concerned that the baby would come during March Madness. I alleviated his fears by telling him we could have basketball on during delivery! Hahaha, best wife ever, right? 😊
If only that could be the case. Instead, we’re here without our little man, missing him now for 9 weeks. 9 weeks of Jonah being at peace; 9 weeks of his parents looking for peace of their own. Thankfully, we’ve been able to find that peace at times in the kind and caring thoughts and actions of friends and family, in each other, and in knowing that our little man is safe in the arms of God and his Grandma Kelly in heaven.
Today, instead of writing a letter to Jonah about how much I miss him and long to have him in my arms, I’ve decided to write a love letter to myself. Here it is 💜💙
Today, of all days, I want you to remember those favorite pieces of advice that you’ve gotten: Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel joy. It’s okay to be however you are today, and every day for that matter! You’ve suffered through something of great magnitude. You must feel all of the feelings your heart requires to heal. Feel them fully. Let them wash over you. Drown in your tears; soar in your joyfulness.
My darling, what you’re doing takes strength and courage. It’s courageous to get out of bed, take a shower, and just live each day without your son. Sharing him and your story with the world is not easy, but you do it with grace. You make sure that lots of people know him and love him. You mother him in as many ways as you can.
YOU are an AMAZING mother. You carried Jonah for as long as you could, keeping him as safe as possible. You delivered him from your body into the world. Now, you keep his memory alive and use it to comfort others. Nobody else could mother Jonah like you do. Nobody else could use his memory to do good things like you do. Your son may not be physically here on this great green Earth, but he lives on through you and in you – in your actions, your kindness, your empathy.
Your body, the body that cradled and nurtured your son, is BEAUTIFUL. Your body did everything it could to protect your son, and it is not your fault that he died. Learn to love your body again. It is STRONG, and it is GORGEOUS. Those stretch marks are marks of a warrior mama. They say “Jonah lived here.” They are marks of strength and courageousness. They are marks of motherhood.
Do what you need to do for yourself in this moment. Take a bath, listen to the birds sing, read a book, snuggle your Jonah Bear and let your tears fall into his fur. Whatever you need, whatever you feel, whatever is in your heart right now – listen to your needs. Listen to your heart.
Open your heart to healing. There is no guilt in feeling happiness and joy again. Life is beautiful, and you deserve to live it as such. Jonah is here with you, watching you. He sees you mourning him. He sees you smile. His mom’s smile makes him smile. So smile, laugh, be joyful when you feel it! Carry the beauty of Jonah in your heart and wear it on your face and in your actions, for all to see. You alone carry his light. Let it shine.
Self, you are strong. You are beautiful. You are courageous. You are a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a MOTHER. Your uniqueness is now anchored by your son’s light. Live for him, live for love, live for you.
Keep shining, mama.