Ugly Jealousy

Ugly Jealousy

Dear Jonah,

I’ve been doing better these past couple of days, even though your due date is quickly approaching. Today, it has been 9 weeks since I delivered you, and in 3 days, you were due.

At this nine week mark, my grief is changing. It’s not quite as raw and stabbing…I still experience those stabs sometimes, but now it’s more of a persistent ache. I’m also able to experience joyful moments more often, and for longer stretches of time. I can’t even begin to explain how good those moments feel!

This morning was difficult, though. I went to barre class, and there was a pregnant woman there. She was only two mats down from me, so every time I was turned in that direction, I would see her.

I thought that being so close to a pregnant woman would make me feel sad, but instead, I felt this incredible, deep, ugly jealousy take hold. I tried to fight it, because that’s not how I want to feel – especially when trying to have a great workout!

I’ve discovered that, when grieving, feelings get so jumbled and difficult to understand, and incredibly difficult to control. Most of the time, I don’t want to control them though…I want to experience whatever it is I need to feel in that moment. Jealousy, though, I just didn’t want! I want to be happy for and supportive of pregnant women, because no matter how healthy or difficult your pregnancy is, it’s a ball of emotions. Pregnant women need support, not jealous, ugly sideways glances.

I tried to stop the jealousy and turn it into something else, but I just couldn’t, and it didn’t feel good. It felt angry and ugly and deep…such strong negative emotions.

Jonah, I need for you to be with me in every moment, but especially those moments where I’m struggling with feeling something I don’t want to feel. I want to close my eyes, feel your presence, and let those ugly feelings melt away and be replaced by love for you.

Miss you, little man <3


jolissa

Hi! I'm Joli, mom to my precious Jonah. Thank you so much for visiting my blog! Please feel free to reach out to me at any time <3

4 Comments

  • Crystal S
    March 27, 2017 8:25 am

    I know the feeling of jealousy all to well, and like you I dislike that feeling so much. I know when I always (and still do actually) see a pregnant women I realize how blissfully uneventful her pregnancy is probably going. That innocence was taken from us when we lost our children and it’s something we never get back. Hugs momma xx

    • Joli
      March 27, 2017 5:02 pm

      Exactly! The unfairness of it all just hits me so hard sometimes <3

  • Jessica
    March 27, 2017 4:15 pm

    I remember feeling painfully jealous for a week or two every time I saw a pregnant woman or a sonogram post on Facebook after my chemical pregnancy last spring. I know it’s not remotely comparable to losing your sweet Jonah, but just wanted to say I hear you. Keeping you guys in my thoughts on Wednesday.

    • Joli
      March 27, 2017 5:02 pm

      Thanks Jessica <3 Every instance of baby loss, whether a chemical pregnancy or stillbirth, is just the worst possible feeling.

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