I’m having a difficult night tonight. This morning and afternoon were ok, but my mood just kept getting worse as the day wore on. Now, even after my lavender bubble bath, I’m just having a rough time. I just feel…weary.
I’m weary of grief. I’m weary of this new life of loss that I’m living. Nobody should be forced into this, but here we are; moms and dads of angel babies that are now connected by tragedy and sadness and grief. It’s all just getting to me tonight, Jonah. I don’t understand why you had to leave us and thrust us into this new world.
My life is different now. I’ve immersed myself in projects to help others going through loss, and to help myself heal. At this moment, though, I’m mired in doubt. Am I doing the right thing? Is this new life the right path for me? Do I even have a choice? I didn’t have a choice in losing you, but I have a choice now with what I do now in my grief, right?
I just don’t know what’s going on with my life. What was important to me before maybe isn’t as important now, and new things have taken the forefront. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it throws even more of a wrench into things. I now live a life of grief and learning to live without you, my son. On top of my immense and unfathomable grief, I’m confused about who I am fundamentally, and what I want now with this one life I’ve been given.
Who is Joli the loss mom, and what are her passions? Her desires? Her needs? What does she want out of life?
It’s just…hard. It’s really, really hard. It’s a crisis that’s not fixed by buying a fancy sports car or simply switching jobs. It’s a huge, fundamental change of self. I’ve spent a lifetime of growing up trying to learn who I am, and now it’s as if I’m starting over again. I’m an awkward 7th grader, navigating the hallways of grief and crisis.
I’m weary, I’m tired, and I’m just having a down night. This is the reality of grief. Tomorrow, perhaps I’ll have a great day of healing and write a completely different letter to you. One moment I’m up, the next I’m down, and the ride goes on. It’s a ride I long to get off, but can’t.
I wish you were here, little man. Love you <3