I Wish

I Wish

 

Dear Jonah,

I haven’t written to you in 5 days. I’ve been really busy! I definitely felt overwhelmed by how busy I was, but over the weekend, it was for a good reason…we celebrated you!

On Saturday, we had a memorial celebration to grieve you, love you, and celebrate you. We had such a wonderful time – our house was packed shoulder to shoulder with people who wanted to be here for us, and for you. It filled my heart with so much joy and love <3 Every time a new person walked in that door, my mood soared just a little bit more. Although we were grieving, I felt happy on that day – happy and supported with unending love from family and friends.

Yes, grief and happiness can coexist. I’m still not exactly sure how, but I know that it’s occasionally happening. Those two things are total opposites in my head and my heart, so feeling moments of happiness while grieving is really confusing. It has to happen eventually, because I will grieve you for the rest of my life, and I know happiness will worm its way into more moments as time goes in. For now, though, it’s just confusing and I don’t understand how it’s possible.

Jonah, why do I feel bad for having these happy moments? I know that feeling those positive emotions don’t mean I miss you any less, but for some reason, they feel wrong. I feel like I shouldn’t be able to be happy when I’m missing you so much. It feels like some sort of betrayal of my love for you. My head says “No, you know you’re wrong, there’s no reason you should feel bad about enjoying a happy moment!”, but my heart says “this feels weird and wrong”.

Speaking of being confused, when I’m busy, I feel like I want to stop and have a quiet day with my books and journal. When I’m having a quiet day, I feel like I want to be out doing things to keep myself busy. It’s like I’m never satisfied with what I’m doing! My life right now involves so much wishing for something else. I wish I was busy, I wish I wasn’t busy, I wish I could travel back in time, I wish I didn’t have lupus, I wish, I wish…

I just wish you were here.

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