In the past week or so, my grief has become harder to manage…but not for the reason you’d think. You see, I’ve gone from just being sad all the time to having some beautiful and illuminating moments of contentment. I’ll watch a funny video online, go out to dinner with daddy, or have a lovely time at the coffee shop with my nose in a book. It’s these moments, though, that make the tsunamis of grief even harder to deal with. Before, I’d just go from low to lower. Now, I’m just so all over the place, it’s exhausting.
Just as I was thinking about writing you this letter, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and I found this:
One day at a time, one hour at a time…and sometimes, one minute at a time. It’s like grief is the puppeteer and I’m the marionette doll. It pulls me up, it sets me down. It pulls me up, it sets me down. I have almost no control over it! I have no choice but to let the strings pull me every which way, without knowing what’s coming. By the end of the day, I just feel so emotionally exhausted.
There were some great pieces of today. In fact, you know what I did? I did one better than buying myself new jeans…I bought myself a new dress! A flowery, happy, springy dress that works with my I-just-had-a-baby shape, plus a super soft cardigan to wear over it. I’m going to wear it on Saturday, when we have people over to celebrate you, my sweet Jonah! It felt really good to put on a dress and feel like…well, like me. Like a woman. Like a strong new mom putting on a brave face, and looking dang pretty while doing it.
Despite having that high, it was still a difficult day because of the huge mood swings. In fact, this morning, I saw a ridiculously funny video online, and I started laughing. I laughed pretty hard, and then basically just started crying instead. It was really confusing. It was like laughing felt so good, that I just had to cry about it.
Yep, I’m nuts. Totally losing my mind.
In my grief counseling session yesterday, my therapist told me that I’m where I should be in terms of grieving and emotions. That was both great and hard to hear at the same time…great because I guess I’m “happy” to hear that I’m grieving…correctly? Yet, it was hard to hear because I still just feel like I shouldn’t be anywhere in grief. This shouldn’t be happening at all. I should be hugely pregnant right now, with you safe in my womb.
I miss you, I love you, I can’t wait to celebrate your life on Saturday with lots of family and friends. I’m sure you’ll be watching <3