The weather yesterday was unseasonably warm. Although it’s still February, the temperature hit 60! The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, snow piles were melting…spring came early this year. I wished you were here so I could take you on a walk.
The weather really helped me have a good day yesterday. I went on a great walk, opened the doors at home to let the fresh air rush in, spent a bunch of time rearranging the kitchen, and took a long, lavender scented bath in the evening. I stayed pretty busy for the whole day, which really helps me to keep my grief second to whatever it is I’m focusing on instead. Sometimes, it needs to be first, but on a day that beautiful, it had to be second. It was such a welcome shift from cold and dark sadness to warm and sunny hope.
As spring comes on, I look back at winter and I just…I can’t believe all of that happened, Jonah. It doesn’t seem possible. All of that endless waiting, the nervous ultrasounds, the bad news, the guarded hope, the immense love, the stress, the sadness, the pain, the tears – it feels like it has to have happened to someone else, in some other life. It’s so much to comprehend that when I think back on it, it’s hard to fathom.
I feel like I’m emerging from a dark hole, blinking in the sunlight, trying to remember who I am and what life is about. Life is so confusing now without you here, but every day I recover some sliver of myself and am reminded that life is beautiful. I’m learning that loving and losing you has changed me forever, but not all for the worse.
My journey through grief now is not only about mourning the loss of you, my sweet Jonah, but also rediscovering myself post-loss. Spring sounds like a lovely time for that, don’t you think?
Miss you, love you <3