Contradicting Feelings

Contradicting Feelings

 

Dear Jonah,

It’s now been 3 weeks since we said hello and goodbye to you, and absolutely everything reminds me that I’m no longer pregnant. Everything. Just today, I walked past someone who was smoking, and just for a split second, my mind went “Oh no, walk fast and don’t breathe! The baby!” Then reality hits me squarely in the heart.

I’m struggling these last couple of days with feelings that are so contradictory.

We got a bear in the mail 2 days ago that weighs 3 pounds, 13 ounces, just like you did when you were born. I never thought that holding a stuffed animal would be able to comfort me as much as this one does! I sit with him and carry him like I would with you, and it’s so wonderful to have something in my arms.

At the same time, though, a couple times my Jonah bear has made me break down in sobs. He’s so wonderful to hold, but he’s just not you. He comforts me, yet he makes me cry. Holding him tight while I cry feels good somehow, though…like it just makes sense. It must be my heart’s way of saying “this is how you need to grieve right now.”

I’m having more moments where I feel like I’m going to be ok throughout the day…where I see the light for a couple of moments, before falling back down into sadness. In those moments of light, I just feel such intense love for you – that kind of intense love that only a mother and child can share. It makes my heart swell with love, but it also just shatters it, because you’re not here to give all that love to, physically.

All of these emotions that come at the same time are so confusing. I can move so quickly between being just ok, feeling a sliver of happiness, and crying while my heart shatters. Grief is just so complicated.

I’ve read a lot from others who’ve gone through this, and they write a lot about how grief is a long and winding road, and you have to grieve in the ways that feel right to you. So, my Jonah, I guess I’ll just keep doing what feels right at the time, whether that’s smiling or sobbing. Just know that whatever it is that I’m doing or feeling, it’s all for you, my sweet boy ❤️️.

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