Holding You Close

Holding You Close

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Dear Jonah,

When your mommy and daddy were deciding what kind of urn to get for your ashes, we didn’t know what to get – we’ve never had to buy an urn before. All I felt was that I wanted to be able to hold it in my hands and feel connected to you. When I saw that there are teddy bear urns, I knew that’s what I wanted for your ashes, at least for now. We picked out a really cute one and ordered it.

Yesterday, the bear, our Jonah Bear, was delivered to our house. He’s very soft, very snuggly, and very cute. I took your tiny bag of ashes out of the little white container it came in and put it in the back of the bear. I knew that being able to snuggle your ashes like that was going to make me have some feelings, but I wasn’t prepared for the extent of them.

As I set the bear in my arms the same way I held you in the hospital and began rocking in our recliner, I sobbed. I just couldn’t take the pain of loss I felt in that moment, and I wept so bitterly. I snuggled your ashes and rocked and cried for quite a while, until I felt so tired and so heavy, I could barely rise from the chair. The terribly heavy weight of missing you crushed me, and I could barely function for the rest of the day. Even after a night of rest, I still feel like that today.

That’s not what I expected…I expected to snuggle that bear and feel comforted, not crushed. I’ve snuggled my Jonah Bear again since then, and I do feel a great amount of comfort, but I can’t get over that initial crush of grief that overcame me yesterday. I just…I miss you, and life isn’t fair. It’s so, so not fair.

There are good days and bad days; good hours and bad hours. Right now, I think I just need to be sad.

Love you so much, little man.

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