My dear Jonah,
It’s been two weeks since you were born, but it still feels like yesterday. I’m sure it’s going to feel like yesterday for a long time.
I’m going through so many emotions. One minute I feel like I’m keeping myself afloat, and the next I’m weeping bitterly at having lost you. Happiness, sadness and anger can all come and go so quickly depending on what I’m thinking about, who I’m with, and what I’m doing.
I’m starting to think more about my entire pregnancy experience, rather than just the sad way it ended. In some ways, it helps in my grieving to remember that you were very sick for weeks, and that you’re now at peace. It also bring up feelings of bitterness, though.
You see, since you were so sick, we didn’t prepare a nursery for you. We didn’t buy you adorable baby things, we didn’t have a baby shower, and we didn’t make plans for after you were born. Being pregnant with you was so beautiful, but it was so stressful for your mommy and daddy. Every week between ultrasounds, we’d wonder how you were doing. Were you stable? Was your heart rate decreasing? Was your fluid getting worse? We were constantly wondering and worrying, without being able to just enjoy having you around.
I longed to be doing all of those things that I should have been doing. I wanted so badly to be organizing your nursery, buying you cute baby clothes, and be attending birth and breastfeeding classes. Because you were sick, I missed out on all of that. All I wanted to do was sit there and feel you move, kick and hiccup…nothing else.
So, when I think about my pregnancy, I grieve for it. I grieve because it wan’t at all what it should have been. What happened to us, my boy, was so sad and unfair, sometimes I just can’t comprehend it. I just can’t believe that we went through all of that.
I love you so, so much my Jonah. You’ll always be my firstborn, and even though my pregnancy with you didn’t turn out to be what it should have been, I loved every second of carrying you ❤️️